she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
