I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
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