It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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