I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
