The maid of honor just puked.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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