I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
