Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
