i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
