Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
false alarm. still invincible.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
