Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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