my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
