Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
