Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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