Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
