in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
