Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
