there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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