But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
please come you make the beer taste better
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize