y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
