im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
