When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
