I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
