When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
