i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He shit in the fireplace
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