I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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