I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
