Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize