I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
