i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
