I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
