My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
