Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
