I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize