Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
