He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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