this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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