please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
