Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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