I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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