i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
