Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
