disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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