everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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