My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
