i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
