Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
