You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
