Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bring me that man meat
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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