Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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