i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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