Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
