Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
