I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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