my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
