we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
