Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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