my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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