my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
