Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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