the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize