Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
