I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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