Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
